This is going to be split into three parts:
1) The Disclaimer
2) Some Scene setting
3) The Script
The following contains a lot of stereo-typing. However, it is the British that are the ones that are stereo-typed so don’t worry, I’m not about to start an international incident. As a Brit myself I hereby give myself full permission to take the piss in whatever way I see fit and, in the event I am offended by my piss-taking, I lay the blame fully on myself.
Be advised that no Europeans were harmed in the writing of this crap.
Some Scene Setting
Picture the following: A seaside town in Spain. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the tourists are wandering around looking lost.
Now imagine two women. They are clearly tourists. They are in their seventies. One of them is wearing a white canvas hat and sunglasses; the other is eying up the waiter across the street. They need directions and use their considerable language skills to ask a local chap the way...
The Script (See, got there in the end!)
RITA: Ethel, can you remember how to get back to the hotel?
ETHEL: No, you had a map you said
RITA: You put it in your bag!
ETHEL: I did not!
RITA: Yes you did. You’ve lost it haven’t you? Every bloody time! I knew I should have brought Joan with me, she’s reliable.
ETHEL: I don’t know how you dare! I’m perfectly reliable! Anyway, Joan wouldn’t have come. She’s got a thing with the young man who does the meals-on-wheels van for number 24.
RITA: Eeeeh, I never would have thought it? You mean Mrs. Scoggins Grandson?
ETHEL: Yes and you know what she said the day he was born...
RITA: Oh yes, well, there was no surprise he inherited that from his father. I remember the look on his mothers face the day after the Wedding
ETHEL: Yeah! I saw it once, it was massive. I’d have loved my old Arthur (may he rest in peace) to have given me one that big!
RITA: Yes but it was a bugger to wash and you could only get it out when you had company
ETHEL: Too ri....hang on, what are you talking about?
RITA: That Tea service. His mother loved it but she hated having to wash it. That’s why Joan’ll be after him. She always had an eye for china
ETHEL: Tea service. Yep. Tea service. That’s what I was thinking of as well obviously.
RITA: Look, there’s a nice looking boy over there, you can speak this foreign gabble, go and ask him for directions.
ETHEL: (clearly not paying attention) I didn’t mention anything other than a tea service did I? I was just saying it was a big one....What did you say?
RITA: I said go and ask that lad over there for directions. You can speak foreign like a native
ETHEL: (approaching said man) Excuse me, can you tell me where the Hotel del Flamingo is please?
MAN: (I’m sorry, I don’t speak English)
ETHEL: (speaking slowly) Wheeeere iiiis theee hooo-tel del Flam-in-go?
MAN: (I’m really sorry, I can’t understand you. Do you speak [Language])
ETHEL: Rita, I don’t think he understands me
RITA: You can never do anything right. He’s not going to understand you talking like that, is he? Let me try, I know how to speak to the locals
(Speaks loudly and slowly) WHERE....IS....THE....HOTEL...DEL....FLAM-IN-GO?
MAN: (Why are you yelling at me?)
ETHEL: DO... YOU... SPEAKY... DE... ENGLISHY?
MAN: (Look you mental old bats, I don’t speak English and I have no idea what a speakydeenglishy is!)
ETHEL: I think he might be a bit simple
RITA: Could be, there’s a lot of that goes on around here you know.
ETHEL: I know, I asked the woman at the reception desk if there was somewhere near here that sold bunion cream the other day and she didn’t have a clue. Must be something in the water. You know you can never trust the water in these places.
MAN: (I’m not even from this country, I’m on holiday! What do you want?!?!)
ETHEL: Poor bugger. He thinks he’s talking English. Bless him. IT’S OK, WE WILL ASK SOMEWHERE ELSE!
MAN: (Do you want directions? Is that why you’re waving your arms around? If I smile and point will you go away?)
RITA: Look, he’s pointing down there! He did understand. Don’t know why he had to go through all that.
ETHEL: Well maybe he just worked it out. Anyway, I’m not sure he’s sending us the right way. There’s a lot of women down there with their stocking tops on display...
RITA: He’s clearly a local, he speaks that funny lingo and he keeps nodding and smiling. Come on. (To the man) THANK YOU! WE ARE GOING NOW! YOU HAVE A NICE COUNTRY HERE!
(As our two ladies wander merrily into the red light district they can be heard talking to each other)
ETHEL: I’m not sure he was Spanish you know...
RITA: Come to think of it, neither am I. Look at her! She's not even wearing a vest!
Seven deadly sins, seven days in a week....have a fabulous week.
And the Lord said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life" but John came fifth and won a toaster
Carabas said I'm adorable and he's the boss so you all have to listen!