The Force Awakens - review/rant (SPOILERS)

First off the bat, I will say that I enjoyed most actors. They had chemistry, talent and a screen presence that was lacking in episodes 4-5-6.

I thought the special effects, while not ground breaking, were decent enough. I especially liked the 1000 year old pirate leader. I thought the motion and lipsynch was especially realist.

The story. Alas. When I learned George Lucas wasn't going to write the movie, I was relieved. When I learned JJ Abrams was assigned to it, I was scared. He is one of the overhyped writer/director in Hollywood today. It was as I feared. If we are to be honest, episodes 4-5-6 are not Pulitzer prize material. The stories are unlikely.But we suspend our disbelief because, while unlikely, its rooted enough in realism so that we can get behind it (yes, I know, the "torpedo shooting with a targeting computer because, y'know, Luke trusts in the Force" really strains that concept, but the other movies balance it out). With Force Awakens, the story is unrealistic. It's so over the top that it takes an iron will not to switch off.

Another good example of that concept : Die Hard 1 is unlikely (what are the odds he kills all those terrorists bare footed with 1 handgun), while Die Hard 4 is unrealistic (jumping out of a car going 100 mph so it drives up a jump to crash into a moving helicopter and promptly saying "what? I was out of bullets"). You feel for the first one because he's human. He's in a position of weakness. You feel for him. The second one is like a God. There is no danger. Same with Star Wars. You connect with Han Solo and Luke. One's a regular joe in way over his head. The second is an the epitome of a teenager (overconfident, brash, so thinks he's the shit until he gets his ass kicked). Luke only beat Vader when he compensate his weak skills and lack of training with the power of the dark side (his anger and fear).

The characters of SWFA (with the lone exception of Finn, which is mainly why he's the heart and soul of the film) are just too good at what they do. The hotshot pilot who destroys 6 enemy ships a second is just unrealistic. And my God, they took the "newbie-who-unlocks-godlike-powers-with-no-training-just-because" trope to the extreme. I mean, how can Rey mindcontrol stormtroopers, repel mind probes from a trained sith and beat the said sith in a duel out of the blue? I don't care how powerful her genes are, it took YEARS and freaking Qui Gon Jin, Obiwan and Yoda to train the Jesus of the Star Wars universe in Anakin Skywalker so he becomes a decent Jedi knight. Luke had his ass handed to him the first time he faced Vader, and that was after (weeks?) training with Jedi fracking master Yoda. Though, it might also be that Kylo absolutely sucks balls as a Sith. Jedi and Sith are supposed to be badass fighters not because they're very well trained but the Force enables their extrasensory perception. So when a random dude who has never used a sword before holds his own for a while against him is ridiculous.

The story felt like a convoluted circle road movie. Really. They fight on a sand planet. They go in space. They fight in space. They on sand planet. They fight on sand planet. They escape to space. They fight in space. They escape to forest planet. They fight on forest planet. They escape in space. They fight in space. They fight on space station/planet. C'mon...

I know references and winks at previous movies is a trend, and it's kinds cool.... IF YOU DO IT SPARRINGLY. But starting your movie over and on a sand planet, having a teenager with nothing holding her back leave the sand planet, protecting a droid with a mission, having a former scoundrel wanting nothing to do with you mission and leaving, but feeling bad over it and coming back to save the day, another Death Star, rescuing a girl that's being tortured for information, having to lower the shield generator from inside, having tiny ships having to attack it's weak point, having it destroyed seconds before it fires on the home base, Chewie leaving with a co-pilot to locate a friend while Lea stays behind with another injured friend.... a BIT much,no??

And I know 4-5-6 was confusing. Smack in the middle of an interstellar soap opera. Characters coming and going. But you didn't need an explanation because it was so clear cut. Evil empire army lording over the galaxy, good rebellion fighting for freedom. You don't need to know where they come from, you get the relation right away. Here, you have the Republic (we assume galactic government was reestablished). Then, you have the First Order. Okay, I guess they're just a terrorist organization and they just want to tear down the government to recreate the despotic rule the emperor created. But who are they? Pockets of Empire soldiers resisting against the new Republic? No, that can't be, because apparently there is another organization called the Resistance. What? Resistance against what? The First Order? Against the Republic? No, that can't be, the Republic is apparently supporting the Resistance... Ugh. And how the hell is the Republic functioning? They don't seem to have reconstructed their navy, or reappropriated their ships and soldiers from the Empire. We only see them as civilians and never in conflict with the terrorist organization that wants to destroy it or in armed support to the Resistance (I don't see how the Republic could have maintained control over the galaxy without an army). Another example is the Max Von Sydow character. He apparently knows Luke well enough to know where he is, but he is never named, we don't know where he comes from (was he in 4-5-6?). What?

The jedi lightsaber that speaks. I will not go there. That is Star Wars Holiday Special territory.

I wanted to like it. And there were some fun moments. But the best way to resume it is : all that wait for that? I mean, you can forgive episode 4, since George Lucas is a very very weak story teller. But making the same mistakes and adding new ones is unforgivable in my book.

I give it 2 stars out of 5 and I am very generous (and honestly, I am having trouble singeling this movie over the "unlikely vs unrealistic" thing when it has been a big thrend for a few years now). It changes nothing of my Star Wars films list, in order of appreciation : Return of the Jedi, Empire strikes back, New Hope and The Force Awakens.

P.S.:
*Triactus looks at you. Waves a hand in front of you face* No episode 1,2 or 3 were ever made.

kicked the bucket